Send Me

My heart's prayer has been for God to use me like Esther. She was strong, beautiful, and obedient to God's calling. She was a powerful tool in His hand. There was such potential in her, if she had refused to follow His will, God would have still used her in others ways but her potential would not have been fully met. She would have not had such an incredible story of foiling her calling as a good and faithful servant. I pray that I be used as His servant in a the master plan. I always talk about the places I want to travel, the things I want to do, the new experiences to explore, the lives I want to touch. My heart's verse one year was Isaiah 6:8 then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” 
I don't think there was a full recognition of exactly what that verse entailed, what I was declaring when I prayed that. God does not hesitate to test, and I fear I have a history of being unsuccessful.
     This summer I will be working on a short term missions trip to Haiti. I truly felt I was being called there, that I was following out my volunteer "here am I, send me!" There was no resistance of the heart, I was willing. This is what I want to do! 
     Hey wow, this being sent stuff isn't so tough! I am able to do what I want and still follow God.... I am afraid it is not always so simple. 
     I say send me, but do I realize I have no idea what God may have in store for me? That it might (and probably will) be difficult, that in order to carry this mission out, I will need to rely on God, rather than my family, or boyfriend, or friends to support me. 
     There is an opportunity for me to travel across the world and stay there for an extended period of time. This is what I have dreamt of, what I say I've wanted to do! ... but why am I so scared to commit and make a decision?! How do I know if I am called to go or if the sacrifice I make is worth it? How do I truly know what I want! My heart is in such turmoil, and I am ashamed that the moment where I fear giving up something I hold so close to my heart I am hesitant where as Jesus suffered and gave his life in a heartbeat.