a miracle before our eyes

            Today my family woke up early, in order to witness something truly magical. At 4 AM we set out for the beach with our sweat pants on, and big blankets wrapped around us. I was skeptical of the trip mostly because I hate waking up early, but the moment we arrived I realized why my parents thought it was so special.

            The swirls of dark purples, and blues, bright reds, oranges and yellows looked as if a rainbow was not in its true form, but spilled out across a canvas ever changing with each wave rolling on to the sandy beach. The colors becoming more fierce and distinct as time went on.

            I did not know life could be so still and quiet, yet so alive at the very same moment. As we sat on the beach, coffees in hand and multiple blankets surrounding us we did not talk much. As if each finally finding some peace and quiet to evaluate our life, and let the whisper of the wind and the melody of arpeggiated waves break the surfaces of our hearts and minds. Each of us taking in the miracle in front of us uniquely, and individualizing it to fit into our thoughts and dreams, it reminds me of what the poet Jane Van Doe once said, “…Notes for the eyes, a song to see, the magic in the symphony, of a sunrise. The melody is brief, the day is born, tas colors fade and lose the form, of a sunrise. Men toil by day and love by night, but only dreamers cherish the light, of a sunrise.”

a splash of butterfly

Send Me

My heart's prayer has been for God to use me like Esther. She was strong, beautiful, and obedient to God's calling. She was a powerful tool in His hand. There was such potential in her, if she had refused to follow His will, God would have still used her in others ways but her potential would not have been fully met. She would have not had such an incredible story of foiling her calling as a good and faithful servant. I pray that I be used as His servant in a the master plan. I always talk about the places I want to travel, the things I want to do, the new experiences to explore, the lives I want to touch. My heart's verse one year was Isaiah 6:8 then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” 
I don't think there was a full recognition of exactly what that verse entailed, what I was declaring when I prayed that. God does not hesitate to test, and I fear I have a history of being unsuccessful.
     This summer I will be working on a short term missions trip to Haiti. I truly felt I was being called there, that I was following out my volunteer "here am I, send me!" There was no resistance of the heart, I was willing. This is what I want to do! 
     Hey wow, this being sent stuff isn't so tough! I am able to do what I want and still follow God.... I am afraid it is not always so simple. 
     I say send me, but do I realize I have no idea what God may have in store for me? That it might (and probably will) be difficult, that in order to carry this mission out, I will need to rely on God, rather than my family, or boyfriend, or friends to support me. 
     There is an opportunity for me to travel across the world and stay there for an extended period of time. This is what I have dreamt of, what I say I've wanted to do! ... but why am I so scared to commit and make a decision?! How do I know if I am called to go or if the sacrifice I make is worth it? How do I truly know what I want! My heart is in such turmoil, and I am ashamed that the moment where I fear giving up something I hold so close to my heart I am hesitant where as Jesus suffered and gave his life in a heartbeat. 
     

GG

      For weeks now I have been impatiently waiting for our tree to blossom and fill with bright magenta flowers. All the trees around our neighborhood seemed to have popped open weeks before, but for some strange reason, our tree wouldn't. Spring is one of the most beautiful times of year with it's fresh flowers and green grass. It is a sign of new life. Why wasn't our tree blossoming and showing the beauty of that life?
      This morning I woke up to my parents coming in my room. Rather than my mom singing her  "Goodmorning" song, they were quiet. Something wasn't right. They told me my GG had passed away last-night. I don't remember them leaving my room, but I laid in bed dozing in and out sleep for hours after not wanting to even move. I do remember how-ever praying "Abba Father, please tell GG I love him, and that I am sorry I never took the chance to tell him." And immediately after, I felt a tremendous sense of peace, I heard words in my heart, no voice but words none the less, saying "he knew all along."
      When I finally got out of bed, I saw my mom and hugged her for a long time. The first thing she told me was "look outside" and there it was. My tree had blossomed into true beauty. I smiled to myself through oncoming tears knowing that his passing did not bring forth death, but rather new life! My tears that preceded his passing were like the rain from the sky that later were a mere step in the process in helping transition that tree from sure death into beautiful new life, my GG is living life fuller than I can imagine now. My heart cries selfishly, knowing he's not here with me on earth. But I praise Jesus that he is home now. GG is not gone to me though, I will carry his legacy of a kind heart, and helpful hands with me as I grow. And when my time comes, I will see him in another life. 

bubbles, bubbles, and more bubbles!

Prelude to the Dance

The Stone at His Feet

A few years ago there was a girl who was homeschooled. She decided after she turned 13 she wanted to go to highschool, it was a new experience, almost like an adventure of uncharted territory.  So she stuck with the decision and attended the public highschool in her town.

She met many people, had new experiences thrown left and right at her, made the boys ice hockey team and later the girls softball team, she achieved the highest honors one could be awarded, strove not conform to the ways of the ones around her, and people noticed. Most would consider her successful, and strong but part way through freshman year a group of “popular girls” she had never talked to decided to torment her non-stop, seemingly never to take a break. People whispered in hallways, unknown numbers texted relentlessly throughout the day, papers thrown at her, her very identity was falsely used online to talk to people. In a very short time, this girl felt outcast, self-conscious, quiet, her goal was to be invisible every chance she was given. She was terrified of even going into the girls’ locker room because she had a gym class with the group of girls. 

One day a friend of hers decided to get back at the clique by smearing deodorant all over one of their lockers in the gym lockerroom. She stood back watching as the friend did this, heart pounding knowing this was only stooping down to the other’s level. As soon as her friend left the room she ran to clear it off. Knowing she hadn’t done anything to make these girls hate her, she wasn’t about to give them a reason to. She held her ground, taking every blow from them, not knowing what to do except pray, pray, pray, and cry as soon as she was alone. What else could she do?

This was nearly three years ago. Recently she started attending a Christian youthgroup, although apprehensive about it, she became more confident about going and started enjoying it! One night, a leader was giving a lesson about the backpack we carry through out our life, and how we toss unnecessary stones into it along the path that weigh us down. This girl came to the realization that freshman year was a huge rock- maybe even a boulder - she unknowingly was hauling around.

That girl, was me. I am shy, I get nervous around groups of people, and I don't talk much to people I don't know, but I am okay with that now. This experience has made me who I am, and I know God would not have put me in the situation if I could not handle it. I am a stronger, yet a more sensitive person today, because of those girls! So I should be thanking them, and God! The morning after the youthgroup meeting I was home alone, and vocally, I forgave them. I yelled and it out from the bottom of my heart. It doesn’t matter if they ever know, because I know that I finally threw their names out of my backpack. I won’t forget what they did, it isn’t possible, but for the healing to begin, for God to truly work in and through my life, my first step is laying this burden- this heavy, heavy rock – at the feet of Christ. 

to pick a pair of jeans

                                                             

                                                        
My mom likes to shop, she loves to buy her girls new clothes to dress us up with. But if there's something she really, really doesn't like to shop for with me... it's jeans! I am all about comfort and what fits right. Jeans I find, never fit in the right proportions, so I had a tendency to just ... give up and jump into a pair of my favorite sweats. Why buy something that doesn't fit right? Something I don't like and one use later be in a bag headed to the Salvation Army. It's not worth it! Maybe once a year .. probably even less I find a pair that I really like and since I'm not growing anymore I wear those until they get too worn out to wear to nice events, then the whole search process starts again! (ugh!)

But! There is hope! Once I put on a pair I like, I know right away that they are the ones (and usually they were the exact same thing I got last time! I recently noticed this b.c I save the tags to old ones =] )  My process for making decisions I know is not the norm in today's consumer society. I search, try some on, search some more, and then search some morreeee until the right ones come along. The same thing happened when I turned 13. My parents told me they would give me a purity ring, but they wanted me to pick it out, so it is exactly. what. I. want. (Boy do they know me well or what?!)  Let me tell you, like my jeans the process was long, and irritating, at times I wanted to settle for something less. There are a lot of pretty rings and I probably looked at them all  ;) but somewhere in my heart I knew they weren't for me. Like a puzzle there are some pieces out there that look the shape, but don't quite fit, or don't match the background. So you go in search for another piece. The minute I found my ring it was like I knew all along it was the one, the pieces clicked! The waiting, the decision making, the impatiences, it was all over and oh so very worth it. To this day - nearly 4 years later I still wear that ring until the moment comes where my life long perfect match puzzle piece proposes and we are married.

wondering about wandering...

You may be wondering about the title of my blog. To many, it probably looks like a bunch of random letters but I assure you that like most unusual things, there is a story behind it. But first and foremost let me introduce myself you to:

My name is HeartSounds and like my blog title there is a story behind my name as well. I've been playing the piano for about as far back as my first memory. I've learned a lot about notes, music theory, chords etc. but the notes themselves are not what make the music beautiful.. A song without the transfer of emotion from one heart to another is robotic, impersonal and meaningless. When one can share their happiness, love, or sorrow, through sound, that is music at its best.

For six years I was homeschooled with my sister by our mom, but when I got to the eighth grade I wanted something new, so I decided to give highschool a shot. Talk about culture shock! Quickly I found out I didn't have much in common with the majority of kids my age, also that highschool is nothing like the movies. Your every day was scheduled down to the last minute and I felt trapped, and many of the students didn't want to be there or learn at all, where as I wanted to! So I looked for alternatives and found out about Duel Enrollment with a near by college. So technically I am a junior in highschool but I don't have to go there anymore! I go to college full time and it is the best decision I've made.

This new semester I was learning about the theories of our solar system over the past hundreds of years in an Earth Systems Science course. My teacher mentioned the term " πλάνητες ἀστέρες " - planetēs astérēs - meaning wandering stars in Greek. The term was created due to confusion looking up into the heavens wayyy back in Ptolemy's time and the realization that some stars would randomly move and seem to have no rhyme or reason to it. Later years we learn it is the retrograde of the planets moving around the sun at different speeds in different orbits. But I thought the term "planetēs astérēs" was an interesting parallel to my life. Although I am one in many, like a star, I still have the potential to shine and be different, to wander through life "aimlessly" or "without pattern" in the here and now, yet in the bigger picture, God has a plan through everything I go through and in each part or the "sky of life" I travel through.